Willy Wonka goes to war...

Dear Vending Machine Man,

This letter is to  inform you of my severe displeasure with your recent replacement of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups with the Boyer Mallo-Cups. You sir, have lost your ever lovin' mind if you think you can continue to perform these sort of shenanigans.

I was willing to overlook your support of poor cardiac care when you replaced our natural fruit juices with the glowing poison of Gatorade.  I am sure you had the best of intentions when replacing drinks with 7% of our daily sugar intake with those containing 50% of salt intake in a single serving...with 4 servings in the bottle!

I was also willing to overlook you replacing the Mac's BBQ Pork Skins with the Hot Fries dipped in that glowing red dust that I am sure we will find out next year causes cancer. At only 80 calories Mac's gave its consumers a light airy crunch with peppery bite. The Hot Fries leave you with oiled up fingers covered in cancerous dust and unable to answer your office phone. Even when you pick up, you get the same dust all over the side of your face.

However, I was appalled today when I went into the break room to find that you had replaced everyone's favorite candy with a poor generic substitute in a cheap yellow wrapper. The Mallo-Cups may have a "smooth whipped cream center" but it is NOTHING compared to the peanut buttery rich goodness of the dejected Reese's candy.

The lack of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups this afternoon has caused an uproar around the office. We have some very large girls, with some very large appetites, and cravings that must be satiated or else things get...complicated.  Poor Kiki and Shawanda have been stalking the halls looking for their fix all afternoon.

I was almost killed today when the aroma of a freshly opened package of peanut butter and crackers reached their office through the ventilation ducts. Fortunately, my quick reflexes allowed me to toss the package into the office across from mine. Unfortunately, the guy in the office was was bent down tying a shoe and the package flew behind him.

The scene of two Sumo sized women diving for a tiny screaming man would have been worthy of movie admission.  I can only imagine his horror as the fluorescent lights overhead were blotted out by the creatures of candy craving flesh flying at him with their press-on nails unsheathed.   Which reminds me, what did you do with my white cheddar popcorn?! 

I demand that you discontinue your poor, inconvenient, and unhealthy practices of candy and vending replacements. From this date forward you should strive to meet the dietary requests of your consumers as well as their necessary afternoon sugar bliss.

Sincerely,
Joe